A weblog with random thoughts and reflections on society and ecology.
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Wednesday, April 23, 2003
Nonviolent Communication
I attended three days of workshops on Nonviolent Communication with Marshall Rosenberg. The following is an attempt to organize what I heard and my understanding/reflections on it. It is currently in the form of fragments.
Overview
NVC
Nonviolent Communication is developed by Marshall Rosenberg. Still, it is nothing new - it is a formalized way of learning and adopting a natural and life-centered way of communicating.
Life-Centered Communication
In the west, and increasingly around the world, we are trained in a way of communication that reflect a dominance oriented culture. It includes notions of right and wrong, punishment and reward, authorities and submission/rebellion. On an individual level, it brings about anger, shame, built and depression. On an interpersonal level, we tend to meet our needs at the expense of the needs of others. On a social level, it is characterized by dominance and control structures.
Life-centered communication, as found in some other cultures, reflect a partnership oriented culture. We seek strategies that will meet the deeper needs of all of us. We realize that we freely choose all of our actions. It brings us beyond notions of right/wrong, good/evil, submission/rebellion.
Teaching
NVC applies a quite different teaching philosophy than what is common in our current educational system. Decisions are made cooperatively among instructors and students. It is made clear that students always have a choice in whatever they do (this is true in all education, although usually not made explicit). The tests are held early in the process, and they give information about the effectiveness of the teaching strategy and on how to change it, not the students' abilities.
Jackal vs. Giraffe
Jackal language is language that is from an orientation where we seek to meet our own needs but not necessarily the needs of others. It is a strategy that is not effective in meeting all of our needs and tend to lead to experiences such as anger, guilt, shame, and depression.
Giraffe is a life-centered language where we seek to first realize the deeper needs of all of us, and then explore strategies to meet those needs.
Observation & Interpretation
Differentiating observations and interpretations is vital in clear communication. Agreeing on the observable situation helps us establish common ground, and realizing that we add a layer of interpretation helps us see that it is just that - an interpretation (one of many possible).
Feelings & Needs Literacy
Learning a rich and precise vocabulary for expressing our feelings and needs helps us connect with ourselves and others.
Needs
We all share basic needs. Some of our needs are connection, honesty, play, peace, physical well-being, meaning and autonomy. When we are clear about our own needs, and we help others to be clear of their needs, we can creatively arrive at solutions that will meet all our needs. Our needs are never in conflict, but our strategies to meet those needs may be.
Strategies
In our culture, we are trained to have a muddled relationship to our needs and strategies. We tend to become attached to certain strategies, without being clear on the needs we try to meet. When we differentiate the two, we can step back and let go of specific strategies, and explore other strategies that may also meet the needs of others.
Requests & Demands
In our dominance oriented culture, we are trained in expressing and hearing demands - one person's needs met at the expense of the needs of others. Demands are characterized by single-mindedness of purpose, submission and rebellion as the only two options for the receiver, and reward or punishment as consequences. In most cases demands and its consequences are expressed in subtle ways. It is an approach that meets some of our needs, but cannot meet all of them (for instance need for connection). It is an approach that alienates us from ourselves and others.
The alternative is a more life-centered approach, seeking to meet our needs as well as the needs of those around us. Having this intention, we can express a request rather than a demand. We stay open for feedback, seek to be clear on feelings and needs of all involved, and choose strategies that works better for all. There is no punishment or external reward - only the inner reward of contributing to life.
Empathy
Empathy helps us connect with the feelings and needs of yourself and others. It can be done silently, or expressed as a way to connect deeper with another person. Empathy is a way of translating jackal to giraffe: through identifying the feelings and needs behind a jackal expression (criticism etc), we uncover the giraffe language that will help us better meet those needs. And empathy is an excellent way of identifying our basic needs: empathy with feelings takes us to the underlying met or unmet needs behind those feelings.
Choices
We always choose our actions. Sometimes we are not aware of our choices, or we do not like the options we see, but we choose all our actions. Becoming aware of this can have a dramatic impact on our life. It frees us up to let go of actions that do not meet our needs, modify others to better meet our needs, and experience more joy in the actions we do choose as we see which needs they meet.
Additional
Life-Alienating vs. Life-Affirming Culture
We live in a dominance/control oriented culture, and learn the dominance/control language from multiple sources: Religion, mythology, schools, media, and from those close to us who have learned the language from they were young. This language is also called "jackal language". It is a language that teaches polarities of right/wrong, good/evil, and reward/punishment. It tells us that the "good life" is the good punishing the bad. It teaches us to obey authority. It's symptoms in us as individuals is guilt, shame, anger and depression. It is a life-alienating language. A language that disconnects us from ourselves, each other, and the larger mystery we are a part of.
NVC teaches us another language, a life-affirming language. A language that helps us meet all our needs. A language that helps us see that we always choose. A language that frees us from submission, rebellion, guilt, shame, anger and depression. A language of celebration and connection.
Our Culture
Our culture is a dominance and control oriented culture. It teaches us to obey or rebel against authorities, to act due to external rewards or punishments, and to think ourselves into shame, guilt and depression. It teaches us tragic expressions of unmet needs (criticism, anger), and dualistic approaches where we try to meet our own needs at the expense of others (selfishness) or the other way around (selflessness). It teaches us remarkably ineffective ways to have our needs fully met.
Dominance Culture & Jackal Language
Jackal language is born from, supports and is integral to our larger dominance oriented culture. It teaches thought patterns of right/wrong, good/evil, reward/punishment, and submission/rebellion. All these justify power structures and power-over relationships that (on the surface) benefits the few at the expense of the many. Our needs cannot be fully met in such a structure, so in reality we all suffer from it.
Jackal language further yield anger, guilt, shame and depression. Anger is from a jackal mindset and perpetuates the dominance structures - either by setting up new ones, or by lending justification to the power-over strategies used by the existing structures. Guilt, shame and depression leads to passivity. None of these lead to a constructive approach for deep change.
Stories
If we want to explore the common stories and myths we operate from, we need to look at the typical stories in our culture. Today, these are told by mass media, and often reflect a static (identify people with transient experiences and roles) and blindly dualistic way of experiencing the world. These are stories of good and evil, of battles, and of victories involving the extermination of the evil.
In some other cultures, including our own subcultures, there are other stories. These may focus on partnership approaches and commitment to connection until resolutions. They are process oriented (recognize transient experiences and roles for what they are) and go beyond blind polarities. These are stories of life, collaboration, and celebration.
Social Change
NVC has a strong social change aspect. It has a powerful analysis of our culture, helps us to liberate ourselves from dominance structures, and gives us a powerful language to have our needs met as well as the needs of others.
Classic & Colloquial Giraffe
Classic Giraffe includes several patterns of expressions, for instance (a) observation, (b) feeling, (c) needs, (d) clear and present request. Colloquial Giraffe is a looser and more spontaneous and creative way of expressing the same. Some examples: 1a. Classical Giraffe: "It seems that when what you said was not heard by the others at the table (observation), you felt frustration (feeling) because your need for connection was not meet (needs)?" 1b. Colloquial Giraffe: "So you were frustrated (feeling) because you wanted to connect (need)?" The situation is given by the context, and the need was in that situation expressed as a want.
Expressions
NVC offers templates as examples of the elements included in that particular form of life enriching communication. The basic template is "When [observation] I feel [feeling] because my needs for [need] is met/not met. Can you [clear request]?" Any of these elements can be expressed silently or explicitly. As a general guideline, whenever you have a sense that the other person is aware of a particular element, it can be silent or expressed nonverbally. If there is an element that the other person may not be clear about, or you want specific feedback, it can be expressed verbally. For instance, showing gratitude can be expressed in "classical giraffe" in this way: "I want to thank you for the three days we spent together [observation]. I feel joyful [feeling] and it met my need for companionship and connection [need]". Or it can be expressed in "colloquial giraffe" in this way: "I enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you better". The nonverbal component is of course essential.
Dynamic vs. Static Language
Our culture teaches us static language - a language where we objectify ourselves and others, and identify ourselves and others with transient experiences or roles ("I am angry", "She is smart", "He is a socialist", "They are therapists"). It is more accurate and liberating to use a process language, a language that expresses transient experiences as transient experiences and roles as roles ("I experience anger", "She has much knowledge of plants", "He votes for a socialist party", "They work as therapists").
Labels
Labels are one expression of static thinking. We identify a person with a particular (transient) experience or role, and attach a label to the person that is meant to convey useful information. Rather than convey useful information, it tends to lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. The person, and those around the person, behave in ways that are consistent with the label. Those transient experiences and roles are then strengthened and become more entrenched. These labels include formal diagnosis (hypochondriac, bipolar), informal diagnosis (idiot, genius, good, evil), and work (doctor, mechanic, secretary). In all cases, the label gives the appearance of permanence where there is none.
The alternative is to use a process language that more accurately reflect the transient nature of our experiences and roles: She tends to be concerned about her health; he experiences strong mood-swings; she did not understand the instructions; he has a solid grasp of mathematics; she works as a doctor/mechanic/secretary.
Jackal & Giraffe Views
Jackal Show
The Jackal Show is the Jackal patterns playing out in our minds. We can learn to recognize and enjoy these shows, and use them to be clear about the feelings and needs behind them. This will help us express ourselves in a way that is more Giraffe, more accurate, and more life serving.
Enemy Images
In our culture, we are trained in coming up with enemy images. When there is a conflict, typically between strategies, we tend to engage in thought patterns that (subtly) dehumanize and objectify the other person. The alternative is to look at the feeling and needs behind the other person's action, seek to clarify these feelings and needs with the other person, and then seek strategies that will work better for all. We connect rather than exclude, and get our own needs met in a more effective and efficient way.
Restorative Justice
Restorative Justice is an essential component to a life-centered approach to justice and dealing with situation with strong enemy images and anger. For the person injustice was done to, there is a situation where her/his experiences are truly heard and acknowleged - by the person that commited the act. For the person who committed the act, there is an opportunity to connect with the other on a deeply human level and see the hurt that was caused by the actions. In both cases, there is a tremendous sense of relief. It can diffuse unresolved feelings on both sides that otherwise could lead to further injustice.
I know from my own life is that when I feel that injustice has been done to me, I do not want revenge. That is not powerful enough. I want the other person to truly see the situation and how I was hurt by the action. I want to connect on a human level. That seems immensely more powerful.
Protective Use of Force
In some situation, we choose to use force. This is a minimal force used to protect, not to "punish" (a giraffe force, not jackal force).
Motivation
The motivation behind our choices is essential. Do our choices come from fear, guilt and coercion? Or do they come from a desire to meet all our needs and enrich life? The answer tells us how well we can expect to meet our needs, and the quality of our connections with each other.
Beyond Control and Permissiveness
NVC helps us go beyond the limited options of control (my needs, not yours) and permissiveness (your needs, not mine). The process is to (a) seek clarity about the feelings/needs of all involved, (b) explore strategies that meets the needs of all, (c) agree on specific actions. When all involved see how their needs are met, we are more likely to follow up on the agreements. And if not, a connection is established that allows us to explore what is going on and modify the strategies to better meet our needs.
Autonomy
Autonomy is among our basic needs (along with connection). When we are presented with a situation where we experience that our autonomy is threatened, we tend to either submit (with resentment) or rebel. This is a dominance approach and typical of how we are trained in our culture. Expressing a request rather than a demand, and making sure that it is heard as a request, is one way of getting beyond submission and rebellion. Similarly, hearing the feelings and needs behind what appears as a demand, and seeking clarification of the underlying needs, can help us go beyond submission and rebellion. It will help us find strategies to meet all of our needs.
"Should"
"Should" is a central tool of the Jackal language. Shame, guilt, anger and depression are all symptoms of underlying "should" thoughts, and they are often connected with moralistic judgments. "Should" thoughts are effective in making ourselves and others miserable, and not effective in helping us meet our needs.
Needs vs. Shoulds
When we experience anger, shame, guilt or depression, there is most likely a "should" pattern behind it. We feel we "should" do something (shame, guilt, depression) or that someone else "should" do something (anger). Shoulds tend to not be effective in meeting our needs, mostly because they do not point the way to a constructive solution.
Seeing the needs behind the shoulds opens up for a more constructive way of approaching the situation. When we become clear of our needs and the needs of others, we can consciously choose strategies that will help us meet those needs.
Solution Focus
Jackal language includes fruitless patterns such as complaining. Giraffe reminds us of our needs that are not met in the current situation, and helps us to actively seek strategies to meet those needs. It gives us a clear solution focus.
Patience
Learning a life-centered and life-enriching communication takes time. It involved re-educating ourselves and exploring the tools and stepping stones towards a life centered way of life. It requires patience, for our own learning process, as well as in our everyday situations. Seeking solutions that works for all takes longer than dominance solutions, but the rewards makes it worth it - meeting our needs more fully, and the joy of contributing to life.
Win-Win vs. Compromises
In our dominance oriented culture, we are taught that there are three different realistic alternatives: (a) Getting our needs met on the expense of others, (b) others getting their needs met on our expense, and (c) compromises where none of us get what we want. NVC, and other life-centered approaches, opens up for a fourth possibility: When we are clear on the needs of all involved, we can creatively explore solutions and strategies that will meet all of our needs. Such situations, where we actively seek clarity of the deeper needs of each person, tend to help us let go of our habitual strategies and actively seek creative and new solutions.
Interconnected Needs
Our needs are interconnected. The needs of others are included in our own needs. We cannot fully meet our need for community, connection, meaning and contribution if the needs of those around us are not met. This means that to fully meet our needs, we seek strategies that meets the needs of all of us.
Selflessness (meeting the needs of others at the expense of our own) and selfishness (meeting our own needs at the expense of the needs of others) are both expressions of a life-alienating approach. Neither of these are strategies that are likely to meet our needs well.
Life-enriching communication goes beyond selflessness (meet others needs at the expense of our own) and selfishness (meet our needs at the expense of other's needs). It is self-full - we have joy in contributing to other people in meeting their needs. We realize that our own needs are not fully met as long as the needs of the others are not fully met. If we use life-alienating communication, we are alienated from ourselves and others - our needs for connection and community are not met. If someone's basic needs are not met, our need for their well-being is not met. These needs are at the core of our common humanity.
The Dance
The honesty/empathy dance.
Choices
We always freely choose - although we sometimes do not recognize the choice, or are happy with the options that seem available to us.
Here is an exercise to help us become aware of our choices:
(a) Create a list of your "top ten least favorite activities"
(b) Explore how you tend to talk to yourself about them (these are typically "I have to" or similar phrases).
(c) For each of the activities, rephrase it to "I choose to ..." statements. This helps us re-educate ourselves and become aware that we are always making a choice.
(d) Then, rephrase each to "I choose to ... because I want ..." statements. It helps us stay honest. This is a humbling but also liberating step.
This exercise can dramatically change our life. We become aware that we always make choices, even when we don't particularly like the options that seem available to us. We also bring the underlying reasons for our choices into awareness.
When we realize that a particular choice does not meet our needs well, we can explore other strategies. We may drop or modify certain actions. When we realize that a particular choice helps us meet important needs, we tend to change our attitude towards the activity and do it with more enthusiasm and joy. In general, we enjoy our actions more when we are clear on which needs they meet, and that we freely choose them.
Detecting Hidden Choices
Some phrases reveal hidden choices. The most common are "I have to", "I don't have time", and "I can't". Behind them all is a unacknowledged choice, and freedom waiting to be released when we bring it into awareness.
Signposts
Here are some of the NVC signposts I am aware of: 1. Body sensations indicating when have connected with the need behind four reactions. 2. Anger, shame, guilt and depression, indicating "should" thoughts. 3. Criticism as tragic expression of unmet needs.
Anger
Anger is a symptom of life-alienating thoughts.
Here is a process to help us explore what is behind anger:
1. Observation - what particular behavior triggered the anger.
2. Thought - what did I tell myself that caused the anger? To get at this thought, try this sentence "I am angry because ...". This is typically a (life-alienating/moralistic) judgment with a "should" in it.
3. Empathy - with (a) self and (b) the other person/group. How did I feel, and what needs of mine were not met by the situation that triggered the anger. What needs may the other person try to express through the action/s that triggered my anger?
4. Connection - with the other person. (a) Express your feelings and needs, and make a clear request (e.g. "Can you repeat back to me what you heard me say?" or "What do you feel when you hear me say that?". (b) Guess feelings, needs, and request of the other person, and ask for feedback/check accuracy. Do this first if the other person may otherwise not be ready to hear your feelings/needs/request.
Habits & Addictions
In all our actions, we seek to meet some of our essential needs. When we are clear on our needs, and differentiate them from any particular strategy, we are more free in choosing a particular strategy or action. Similarly, if we are not clear on our needs, we tend to apply less effective strategies and typically become attached to certain habitual strategies. When we are attached to certain strategies while seeing that they do not meet our needs, we call them addictions.
Here is one way of working with habits and addictions:
1. Differentiate needs and strategies (preparation). Become clear on the distinction between (a) our underlying needs and (b) the strategies we employ to meet those needs. For any need, there is an infinite number of strategies that can help us meet those needs.
2. Identify the underlying needs. Which needs do I try to meet by the habit/addiction? Empathy (self-empathy or from another person) can help us explore this.
3. Explore the effectiveness of the strategy. Which of my needs does it meet, and which does it not meet?
4. Explore alternative strategies. Which other strategies can I use that will meet more of my needs?
5. Support for making the change. Support - from ourselves and others - is essential in making any substantial change. It is helpful to find support from someone well versed in a life-enriching communication.
Celebration & Connections
Gratitude
There is a great need for hearing and expressing gratitude in our society, and expressing gratitude in Giraffe is specific and powerful. It contains a reference to a specific behavior, a feeling, a need that was met, and possibly a request. Any of these can be expressed silently and implicit or explicit and verbally. As a rule, if the other person is likely to be aware of a particular element, it is not necessary to express it explicitly - unless you want to emphasize it.
The complete and explicit pattern can be something like this:
(a) Behavior that you are grateful for ("when you ...")
(b) Our feelings ("I feel ...")
(c) Our needs that were met by the action ("it meets my need for")
(d) A request. If not certain that the person heard it accurately, ask "can you repeat back to me what you heard?", or otherwise "How do you feel when I say that?"
When we express gratitude, the verbal part can also be very simple and direct: "I enjoyed getting to know you better." In this case, the time spent together is implicit ("We spent three hours together"), the feeling is enjoyment or lead to a sense of enjoyment ("I enjoyed") and the need is connection ("getting to know you better").
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